My grandmother once, at a family get-together, pulled me aside and asked,
“Tell me, who are you?”
“Me? I’m Vadim,” I responded.
“You’re Vadim… Ahhh, I was wondering who you are.”
“Yes, I’m Vadim… and I’m also your grandson,” I said with a smile, anticipating her reaction.
“You are also my grandson! Who knew I would have such a grandson one day!”
This was not the first time my grandmother asked me who I was. She would look at me with amazed happiness, marveling. She would laugh with joy and hold me close, her frail arms still strong, her memory weaker but spirit as strong as ever. To this day, I still remember these slightly sad, but even more so, beautiful & joyful encounters and conversations. These memories are treasures. Due to her dementia, it would happen often, but always with the same joy of rediscovery. They left a very formative impression.
She was the grandmother with whom we were the closest. She would play basketball with us while wearing a dress, take us swimming, teach us how to make Ukrainian dumplings, how to draw, and wave a belt threateningly at us when we needed it… never once spanking us, to be clear, but we, as kids, would laugh for some reason. Partly because we knew she would not hit us, partly because we relished being a little spoiled by grandparents, but also because my sister and I have this tendency to laugh and lighten up when things get serious. One time my sister was singing a solo at youth service. Midway, she forgot the lyrics. Instead of stammering or getting nervous, she turned away from the audience… and laughed… until she remembered the words, composed herself, jumped back into the flow of the song, and finished strong.
Dementia is not an easy condition to deal with when you watch a loved one’s memories slip away. Yet, these sweet moments of interaction with my grandma shifted the spotlight from her forgetfulness to her rediscovery. Our memory is a God-given gift and ability, yet one that can unfortunately also be used against us. Very often, we let our troubles and stress compound daily, from one day to the next, accruing heavy interest. When left unchecked, a heavy payment gets extolled from our personal accounts of joy and happiness. When Christ was telling the Parable of the Sower, it was not that the seed was not potent enough or that it was defective, but it was the worries and troubles of life that choked out the seed. We suffer more in the mind than reality, letting our guilt spiral, as we simply do not forget. We do not learn to let go.
The newness and novelty of God’s Grace in our sinful world is revolutionary & transformative. We cannot let it become ordinary because it is not. We must rediscover it daily. In the moments of prayer and worship, we need to put aside our stress, troubles, pains & just rediscover…
“I’m Vadim, your son.”
“You’re my God, my Heavenly Father, my Savior.”
Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds us that God’s mercy never fails; it is new every day. As the sun never fails to rise every single day, for the rest of our lives, so is God’s love towards us. It is new, fresh, unyielding, and fierce. May we let that sink in: Every day, His love is new. Every day we have a new chance. With each sunrise we have a new opportunity and fresh start. Apostle Peter was able to walk on water when he forgot about the waves & the wind and only saw Christ. His memory betrayed him when he remembered where he was and looked away from Christ to the winds and waves. That is when Peter began to sink.
My grandmother’s dementia worsened, but she still taught us life lessons through her positivity and strength of spirit before she went to be with the Lord. I need to forget my insecurities, troubles, stress, and let God remind me who He is, and let Him remind me who I am in Christ. May we let God’s Grace in our lives shine brighter than shadows of our problems.
